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Apr 18 2021

Fear, shame, unworthiness, anger towards myself, these are just some of the emotions I've been dealing with lately. From an early age, I've never cared for myself. Exactly one month ago, someone who was very dear to my heart, my hero, literally passed away. He was a Detective for the Boston PD. He was my hero, he saved my sister and I from a life filled with constant and repeated physical and sexual abuse. Even though we were children, we were forced into a world of drugs, alcohol, and prostitution. It was this police officer that came to our rescue. He was a cops cop and most importantly, he cared. He cared about GOD, he cared about his family, and he cared about those in him community. When my sister passed away to suicided, he was there to catch me when I fell to the ground, he was there holding me as I cried in his shoulder. He was there when I was hospitalized for 18 months for my own safety at Marlborough State Hospital. Losing him has caused me so much pain and suffering as the flashbacks of my childhood are more frequent, I find myself dissociating, even now as I right this, I feel my reality starting to change but typing is helping to stay grounded. I haven't been drawing that much, which is difficult because I feel like even that has been taken away from me....

I am not looking for anyone to feel bad for me, I'm just typing this on my blog because it is helping to cope and to deal with the loss of someone special to me, it's helping to deal with the loss and pain I still feel over my sister's death. Writing this blog is helping me to try to find my way back....back to the point where I can draw again. Drawing is a huge a part of who I am, in a lot of ways, drawing becomes my voice when I can't speak, when I'm having a psychotic breakdown, Drawing helps me to cope with life. Without drawing, I am no body.....a bad nightmare I wish would go away.

I am not having an artist block, i have plenty of subjects and commissions I need to work on, this is different. I physically cannot draw - the voices in my head, the flashbacks, the dissociation is taking over and every time I pick up a pencil, I physically cannot move. Medication is helping and hopefully I'll be able to return to drawing soon. To those who follow me and my art, please bare with me...I hope you can forgive me...because I cannot forgive myself......

Mar 05 2021

It's been very difficult lately, I don't know if it's because of the pandemic or because of my triggers are getting worse; maybe it's a combination of both - but I feel "off". I haven't been able to draw as much I'd like, no matter how hard I try, I just can't do it. Drawing is a huge part of my life. There are times, when I can't speak, that my pencil becomes my voice. I communicate best through my pencil. I try every day to draw a little bit, even on days I feel my worse, even a simple pencil mark is considered a victory. To all those who are suffering through mental illness, hang in there, you are stronger than you think!!!

Dec 20 2020

I haven't been drawing for the past week or so. No, it's not a block...it's more emotional. I suffer from Complex PTSD and Schizophrenia. The Chronic PTSD is due to a tragic childhood. The demons of my childhood continue to haunt me. Every day, every second - I close my eyes - I open my eyes, the demons are there in my head, outside my head. I can't escape. Drawing is my escape but sometimes there are certain things and certain times of the year that cause worse flare-ups than others. Thanksgiving and Christmas are two such times. I try to cope and deal with life but it becomes difficult when I dissociate and lose my sense of reality. Drawing does help keep me grounded but it take more effort on my part and I will try to continue fighting and trying to deal with my mental illness and get back to drawing.

Nov 29 2020

Here is a small video of me adding a bit more tone to the pillow. I’m using a Pentel P205 mechanical pencil with a 2B lead which I have sanded with sandpaper to make a needle point, this allows me to keep control and slow down. It also taught me how to control my hand pressure...I achieve my deep darks by adding many layers of graphite as I completely exhaust the tone before moving to the next pencil.

More to come soon!!!

Nov 07 2020

My slow and stead process of layering my graphite using tiny overlapping circular motions. Here I'm layering down my initial layer of graphite adding tone and texture to the fabric. Each layer is a lesson in patience for me.

"Patience strengthens the spirit, sweetens the temper, stifles anger, extinguishes envy, subdues pride, bridles the tongue, restrains the hand, and tramples upon temptations" - George Horn

Oct 22 2020

I've been asked to show what my drawing area looks like. Well, here is my main drawing table and a few of my collectibles I like to keep around me. I'm just a big kid at heart. This is actually only a small part of my drawing studio which I have a room dedicated to me for my drawing. I actually have two drawing studios, this smaller one and a much larger area in the basement of my home, which I'll share in another post. But this is it....my main drawing table. This is where I just get lost when I draw. I get so focused I could spend hours upon hours on a drawing without evening knowing how long I've been working. My drawing table is where I feel safe, where I feel most comfortable, and where I am the most spiritual. This is where magic happens.....

Oct 19 2020

I've recently been asked where I find my motivation for my portraits.

Well, the simply answer is that I am motivated by everything around me, light, sound, smell, hearing, all of my senses come alive when I draw. I observe and then I translate my observations - instead of just drawing what I see. I do use photographs as references and I try to use my own photographs if I can (btw i only use an iphone camera because I believe the best camera is the one you carry). I take about 20 - 100 photographs. I also like to interview the subject of my portrait if I can. I take notes and make tiny quick thumbnail sketches. When I'm finished collecting data, I go back to my studio, lay everything out on the floor and picture how I want the portrait to look like. Once i have a clear picture, I then begin to draw the portrait. I focus on light and shadow as well as emotion. A good rendering is drawing what others see but a masterpiece is drawing what others don't. So when I'm asked what motivates me? I simply say life its self.